Well, I had a complete meltdown tonight. It hit me like a ton of bricks. My father can't visit our new house. My father can't know what it is to be me at 30. My father will never meet Dave.
It was a complete, total breakdown. I don't know what caused it, but it happened. Here's how it came about: I was talking to my mother. We discussed the newly painted room. We talked about our day. Then it happened. Just as quickly as the day passed, I was in tears. Why can't Dad see the newly painted room? Why can't Dad see the new house? Why can't Dad know Dave? Why can't Dad be here to know what it is to be me?
I was a mess. I was balling my eyes out. And, at the end of being a mess and balling my eyes out, it was time for bed and I had no resolutions. I guess that's just the way it goes--especially wen you're 19 when your father dies and now you're approaching 30.
I have to know that Dad is proud of me. Deep down in my soul. I have to know that Dad looks down on me and is proud. I have to know those things in my heart, in my soul, in my body.
And, if from time to time I have a breakdown, I suppose that's completely fine. I'm just going to hate it everytime it happens.
Why? Because I hate missing him. Why? Because he was an amazing man who had so much to offer this world. Why? Because his life ended long before it had to end.
Unfortunately, he didn't realize what he had to give this world, and his life was taken from us entirely too soon. It's a sad fact, but it is what it is, and I can't be sad all the time.
I can only rise above. I must rise above the darkest days. Even if today is one of the darkest days...I must rise above. I must see the sunrise. The light at the end of the tunnel. I must see it.
Why? Because that's what my father would want me to do.
L.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
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2 comments:
I have my moments too. Complete breakdowns for no apparent reason. I think it's just something that will always be with us, because our dads will always be with us. I go through the same thing in terms of dad never meeting my future husband, my future children. My baby sister Lindann is getting married in January, and although dad knew and loved Neil, he won't be there to walk her down the aisle. I've decided to give her, as a wedding present, a locket with dad's picture in it to wrap around her bouquet. That way, he will somewhat be walking down the aisle with her.
You're not alone, I know we've talked about it before, and although it hurts every time, I think that sometimes I feel better getting it all out. So get it out girl.
Thanks, Shawna. Some days are just much, much worse than others. And you can't just keep it all inside.
It probably doesn't help that I'd had one too many glasses of wine. Boy, that will make you reflect!
L.
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